Lessons In Love | NoSophieNoBlog

(This blog post is way overdue because I've had a wonderful day with my sister, brother-in-law and nephews at a farm- something I'll show you in my first VLOG tomorrow. But since it's the bake off final in less than an hour I wanted to share something special with all of you before we all get absorbed in cake glory in BBC Bake Off's swan song. )

Today is the one month anniversary of when I moved out of my parents house and in with my then-boyfriend. But as you can probably guess from my choice of words this story didn't have a happy ending. Or at least a traditional one. Because a few weeks ago his unpleasant behaviour, derogatory attitude to women and lack of support for my disorder got too much and I went home. He broke up with me a week later, despite the fact I was willing to work things through he was adamant he would never change.

But I'm not crying. I expected, knowing that moving out was a cruel blow to his ego, that it was going to end but on my terms and not his. I just delayed doing it. I didn't have the heart. I can say now however that I'm the happiest I've ever been. He's no longer bringing me down. I still love him as a person and I want the best for him but for once I have to come first. I have a loving family, friends and colleagues who have supported me through so much, it all has been hard but bearable with their help. So I've learned a lot in the past month about myself, what I want but what I'm going to share with you is what I've learned about love. I'm no longer the naive 17 year old I was when I met him.

Love is equality
I always loved him. And to my knowledge he always loved me. Although since the breakup he has said otherwise. But the decline was a test of that, it was probably the healing I was experiencing from my disorder that got me through the dark days because I knew if I could recover from that I could stand tall in the storm of his worst moments. Love can't be one sided. I gave everything I could to keep this dying flame going but when his 'want' ran out, whenever that was, not even I could save it. Equality isn't just that however, it's also giving the same. If you expect something of somebody then they have every right to expect something of you. You're a team.

Love is support
I was undiagnosed when I met him, it was only February this year when I finally got the news. He was supportive back then, when it didn't seem so bad. He'd often ask if it would ever interfere with aspects of our relationship. I said no. Because I was basing it on our relationship then and not what it would become. He later said he was struggling and by the time we broke up he was cold. There was no support. Just blame. If I had a bad day it was all my fault and it was hurting him and ruining his life. Love isn't putting somebody down for something that they can't help. I supported him when he was struggling with his problems, though he'd never own up to them, I stood through many bad arguments not making them worse because I knew it would just fuel the anger. He just wasn't there for me and that's how it should be, you should never feel alone.

Love is motivation
We did so much together in the beginning, even as time moved on we still made the effort for time with each other even when we lived apart and until a few months ago we went out for a meal once a week as our special treat. It broke down towards the end, when he refused to go out and sat upstairs playing video games all night. We couldn't go out for a meal because there wasn't time. Even food shopping didn't occur unless I brought it on myself to do it. Love is making that little effort just to do something. Just a little thank you for them being such a nice person. It doesn't have to cost anything, a meal from the scraps in the fridge would have been amazing, a cup of tea, a big hug. Because without motivation there is a void and where there is that there is loneliness.

Love is sometimes being picky
Back before I met him I didn't have a type I'd say. All my boyfriend's had been pretty different. None of them lasted because they meant nothing, you know the relationships you have when you're a teenager where they're just for show and not much else. I thought he was attractive and still do, I'd joke about fancying celebrities but didn't meant it- I just saw qualities in them that I liked. And not just visually, personality became obvious. I didn't like constant sadness, I'd experienced it and it was unpleasant for all involved. And hobbies, where we did have a lot in common I had dreams and things that I yearned to do that I could never achieve with him. After a while I gave up and stopped waiting and then it unexpectedly ended forcing me to re-look at my life. Sometimes people are too fussy, I've seen dates where they're perfect for each other but it's a silly thing that prevents it from going further than friends. But it's good to be selective. Science proves we're compatible with certain people based on genes, height, build and other things. So it's ok to like a certain look, a similar personality and have the same dreams. There's no line. It's whatever works for you. And them too.

I know I'll learn more. I'm 19 for god's sake I'm no love guru. But it's a start. I'm not planning on dating for a long time but when I do I'll know what I'm looking for more than what I did before. Remember you deserve the best. Don't accept any less. And don't ever let anybody put you down.

Sophie :3 x

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